BananaSplitzz

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students.


Teacher: What is your problem?

Boy: I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is. I think I should be in the
third-grade too.

The teacher took the boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited
in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was.

The principal told her that he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and
behave. She agreed.

The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: What is 3 x 3? Boy: 9

Principal: What is 6 x 6? Boy: 36

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. "I think the boy can go to the third-grade" ,
said the principal. The teacher said she had some of her own questions to
ask. The principal and the boy agreed.

Teacher: What is it that a cow has four and I have only two?
Boy: (after a moment) Legs.

Teacher: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy: Pockets.

Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.

Teacher : What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes openned really wide and before he could stop the
answer, the boy was already answering.
Boy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes openned really wide and
before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands.

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.

Boy:Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit
tense and took one large vodka peg.....
Boy: Wedding Ring.

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good .
Boy: Nose

Teacher: I am a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of
heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck.

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' and if u dont get it
u have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.

Teacher : What is it that all men have one. It is longer for some men than
for others. The pope doesn't use his. Normally a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send
this Boy to the University. I got the last ten questions wrong myself !"

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "i should be in charge, because i run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because i pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because i process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because i'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens as much as talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and.....

Question : 'What would you like to have..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea,

Chocolate, Capuccino, Frapuccino,or Coffee?'

Answer: ' Tea please'

Question : ' Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea,Bush tea, Honey bushtea, Iced tea or green tea ?'

Answer : 'Ceylon tea '

Question : 'How would you like it ? black or white ?

Answer: 'white'

Question: 'Milk, or fresh cream?

Answer: 'With milk '

Question: 'Goat's milk, or cow's milk'

Answer: 'With cow's milk please.

Question: ' Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?'

Answer: ' Um, I'll just take it black. '

Question: ' Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?'

Answer: 'With sugar'

Question: ' Beet sugar or cane sugar?'

Answer: 'Cane sugar '

Question:' White, brown or yellow sugar?'

Answer: 'Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead.'

Question: 'Mineral water, tap water or distilled water? '

Answer: 'Mineral water'

Question: 'Flavored or non-flavored ?'

Answer: 'I think I'll just die of thirst

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

one night a man runs ro his wife and tell her:
Husband:Wife,wife,wife wake up wake up, something like magic happend!!!!
Wife:What?what?what happend?
Husband:Listen carefully! i went to the bathroom, i opend the door the lights came on,i closed the door the lights went off.
Wife: ud u pee in the Refrigerator????

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said,
"You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, Ann:
"Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom, Joyce:
"Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Please read it carefully.
Before Marriage - - -
Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: NO! Don’t even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course! Over and over!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: NO! Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get!
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After marriage - - - simply read from bottom

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring on a "whatever").

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F___ YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Kid asks: 'Daddy? How did I come into this world? Daddy Answered: ' Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you any way, The Kid asked again: 'So why not today?' Dad Responded: Ok, listen carefully: Mom and Dad met each other in an internet café. In the Bathroom of that café, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick. When dad finished uploading we discovered we didn't use Any firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus.

What is the first thing that WOMEN do after a bad car accident?
Turn off the ignition?

NO

Get away from the car in case it explodes?

NO

Call 911 on her cell phone?

NO

Call ambulance??? ???

CERTAINLY NOT

SO What they Doooooooooooooooooooo??????????!!!!!!!!!

One Day a man came home and found a naked man hiding under his bed. He called his wife and said. What is this naked man doing here? He is paying our rent she said. Mullah looked at his wife with anger: in that case put some warm clothes on him and make him some tea

A man was buying a sheep, he was checking the sheep's stomach, teeth, ears and eyes. A boy asked his dad: what is that man doing? Dad responded: He is making sure the sheep is healthy and is buying it. A few days later the boy ran out of the Doctors office to his dad saying: Daddy Daddy, the doctor is buying Mom.

There was a competition whoever could kill the big bad bear would get to marry the beautiful Princess. Everyone went to the cave and was eaten by the bear. Mulla Nasruddin went to the cave and came back out and said: I have married the Bear, who do I kill?

Every time Mullah Nasruddin went out, his wife would bring her boyfriend home. One-Day Mullah got suspicious and came home early. The Wife nervously dressed her boyfriend in her clothes and hid him in the closet. And Hurried back to Mullah, Let go back to the Bazaar I need clothes, she said. Clothes? You have lots of clothes as he walked towards her closet. Opened the door and started counting her dresses

Here is one, two three, excuse me brother, four five

Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the
barman: "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The barman says: "Yep, that's
them." So the guy walks over and says: "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
And Bush says: "We're planning world war 3." And the guy says: "Really?
What's going to happen?" And Bush says: "Well, we're going to kill 10
million Afghans and one bicycle repairman." And the guy exclaims: "A
bicycle repairman?!!!" So, Bush turns to Powell and says: "See? I told
you no-one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"

--------XXXXX--------

James bond and an afghan guy were on a train. James Bond introduces himself and says "I'm Bond, James Bond". The afghan guy says "I'm Qirrr, Bahqir"

Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a around the world' tour when it got grounded. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt.

Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers, "Friends, we are in trouble because of God's being angry with us. We need to give sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their life so that rest of us can be saved."

All of them moved towards the Deck where a japanese came forward and shouted "Long live japan" and jumped into the sea.

Then a Israeli jew stepped forward said "Hellulaja" and dived into the sea.

After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other and suddenly out of nowhere a Pathan came forward near the railing and chanted,

"Allah-u-Akbar"

And Kicked the Indian standing next to him in the sea.

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

Women!!

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure. People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

Junior said "The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later..."

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that
the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer
bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock to Young cock : 'Welcome to join me, we will work together
towards productivity.

Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be
retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you
with some?

Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I
win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.
Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I
hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock
to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young
cock chases him with all his might.

Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was
shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, 'Hell ! This is the fifth GAY
chicken I've bought this week !'

1-touch their waist
2-talk to them
3-share secrets
4-give her your jacket
5-kiss them slowly

are you remembering this?

6-hug her
7-hold her
8-laugh with her
9-invite her somewhere
10-let her be with you when you're with your friends

keep reading

11-smile with her
12-take pics with her
13-pull her onto your lap
14-when she says she loves you more, deny it. fight back
15-when her friends say i love her more than you, deny it. fight back and hug her tight so she cant get to her friends. it makes her feel loved

Are you thinking about someone?

16-always hug her and say i love you when you see her
17-kiss her unexpectedly
18-HUG HER FROM BEHIND AROUND THE WAIST
19-tell her shes beautiful not sexy!
20-tell her the way you feel about her!

u need to show her you mean it too

21-kiss her on the lips
22-DONT ask her to buy you stuff. you buy HER stuff
23-TELL HER WHAT FEELS GOOD
24-make her feel loved
25-buy her stuff. small things can still help

we might deny it but we accutally like and kinda want you to get us things

26-don't lie to her
27-dont cheat on her
28-take her anywhere she wants
29-txt messege or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at school, and how much you miss her
30-be there for her when ever she needs you, & even when she doesn't need you, just be there so she'll know that she can always count on you

are you still reading this u better be its important

31. Hold her close when she's cold and she can hold you too.
32. When you are alone hold her close and kiss her.
33. Kiss her on the tip of her nose; (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss them).
34. While in the movie, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly.
35. Dont ever tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you're mad. If shes upset, comfort her

remember this next time you are with her

36. When people diss her, stand up for her.
37. Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her.
38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart, Link your fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you.
39. When walking next to each other grab her hand.
40. When you hug her hold her in your arms as long as possible

MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHES LOVED

41. Call her at night to wish her sweet dreams.
42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears.
43. Take her for long walks at night.
44. Always Remind her how much you love her.

youll never know when she needs just a lil more love

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying - Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."