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Santa & Banta got tired using cell phones

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Santa & Banta got tired using cell phones. For a change, they decided to use pigeons to send messages. And this scheme worked very fine.

One day Santa sends his pigeon.

Banta sees the pigeon is without any message. He picked his mobile and asks Santa: The pigeon is without any message!!!

Santa: Oye khotey, that was a missed call.



What is the chemical formula of water?

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Chemistry Teacher: What is the chemical formula of water?

Student: HIJKLMNO.

Chemistry Teacher: What are you talking about?

Student: Yesterday you said H to O.

Honorable MEN

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Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)

If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man, and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONORABLE MEN!"

100% privacy No Body Can See What You Doing On Your PC !

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*~ Tips & Tricks for Symbians ~*

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Tip 1 : Do u know how to use the edit button (abc or pencil button)?
Heres how... in the inbox for example; u wanna delete multiple sms, simply hold the edit button, scroll down, and then, press c to delete the marked sms. The edit button can also b used to copy and past text in sms, simply hold it and scroll across, choose copy. pretty good for placing song names in ngages


Tip 2 : Shit happens, on a smartphone, its inevitable u do something wrong, and tis calls for a format of fone. to format the fone, press *#7370#, then enter the lock code, which is the sec code of the fone. NOTE: batt must b full, else if format is disrupted by low batt, consequences will b disatrous
I heard the code *#7780# works too, pretty much the same i tink.
for 6600 users, to format the fone, theres an alternative way. Press and hold <3>, <*> and Call (Send) buttons, then power on fone, keep holding on the 3 buttons, till u come to a format screen. this method ONLY works on 6600, and need not enter the sec code. BUT sec code would be reset to default 12345.


Tip 3 : TO NGAGE USERS; Did u know u can install .sis files simply using the cable given? Juz plug it in, place the .sis file anywhere on e: (the mmc), not in any folders, root of e:, disconnect, then look for it in manager.


Tip 4:Save on battery and system memory being used by regulary checking the task manager which can be accessed by holding down the menu button!!


Tip 4a:Set the screen saver to a short time out period to prolong battery life.


Tip 4b: Avoid restarting the phone, or repeatedly turning it on and off. This helps increase battery life.


Tip 5: Type *#06# to display your IMEI serial number, very valuable for the unlocking your phone to other sim cards


Tip 6: Type *#0000# to view which firmware version you are running


Tip 7: If you would like to avoid being "blue jacked", keep bluetooth turned off, or set your phone's visibility to hidden.


Tip 8: Don't want to carry a watch and a phone? Set the screen saver to show date and time, then you can ditch the watch.


Tip 9: Save memory when installing apps, by installing over bluetooth. This can be done using the nokia phone suite and a bluetooth serial connection. Only works with .SIS files, so java still has to be sent to the phone, but will save space when using .SIS files.


Tip 10: Operator logos
Use a filemanager like FExplorer or SeleQ to add the folders: "c:/system/Apps/phone/oplogo". Add a .bmp picture to folder "oplogo" and restart your phone! The .bmp picture size needs to be: 97 x 25 pixels


Tip 11: Check if the recepients phone is on
Delivery reports
or
Type *0# your message in the message composer window space then write your message, the recipient will not see the star zero hash bit - just the message When they read it it will relay a message back to your fone showing the time they recieved it. (haven't yet tried it myself though)


Tip 12: BlueJacking
First up, you need to know what Bluetooth is. There are lots of types of modern devices that incorporate Bluetooth as one of their many features. PDAs, mobile phones and laptops are a few of these modern devices. Bluetooth means that Bluetooth enabled devices can send things like phonebook/address book contacts, pictures & notes to other Bluetooth enabled devices wirelessly over a range of about 10 metres. So, we've got past the boring part. Now, using a phone with Bluetooth, you can create a phonebook contact and write a message, eg. 'Hello, you've been bluejacked', in the 'Name' field. Then you can search for other phones with Bluetooth and send that phonebook contact to them. On their phone, a message will popup saying "'Hello, you've been bluejacked' has just been received by Bluetooth" or something along those lines. For most 'victims' they will have no idea as to how the message appeared on their phone.


Tip 13: While you are viewing a picture in your phone's gallery, press one of these shortcut keys (definitely works on 6600, not sure about other symbians)
1 - turn image anticlockwise
3 - turn image clockwise
* - toggle on/off of full screen
5 - zoom in
0 - zoom out
#15 u can select all files in a folder by selecting THE folder and copy it then paste it somewhere. however u need to make a new directory. fexplorer wun let u copy that folder together. well seleQ can mark files to copy but it really takes time!
#16: A soft and Hard reset
A Soft-reset - the process of resetting all the settings of the phone to the factory default! No applications are deleted! A Hard-reset is like formatting a drive! It does format the memory. Everything that has been installed after the first use of the phone is deleted! It will recover the memory of the phone to the state you purchased it! It is done by inputing the following code: *#7370# NOTE: The battery must be full or the charger has to be connected to the phone so that it does not run out of power and make the phone unusable.
#17: Formats of images
supported ones: JPG UPF GIF87a/89a WBMB MBM TIFF/F PNG EXIF
How to copy & paste text in your Nokia 3650:
Press and hold the pencil key and select your text using the scroll key.
Left function key will change to 'Copy'. Press it to copy the selected text to clipboard.
You can paste the clipboard contents the same way:
press and hold the pencil key and press 'Paste'. Or, press pencil key once and select 'Paste'.
Press and hold the Menu key to open the application switching window, where you can *duh* switch between applications.
If a program hangs and you can't shut it down, select the application in the
application switching window and press 'C' to kill it. It's also a faster way to exit programs.
Turn on/off the "click" sound made by the camera by selecting the 'Silent' profile or by turning warning tones on/off:
Menu > Profiles > "select your activated profile" > Personalise > Warning tones > On/Off.
(This also effects the sound of Java games and apps).
To change background image go to:
Menu > Tools > Settings > Phone > Standby mode > Background image > Yes > "choose an image".
The best size for background images is 174x132 pixels.
Only got blue, green and purple in your 3650 colour palette?
This free app adds 3 more colours: Palette Extender.
Display an image when someone's calling:
Menu > Contacts > "select a contact card" > Options > Edit > Options > Add thumbnail > "choose an image".
Add a personal ringing tone to a contact:
Menu > Contacts > "select a contact card" > Options > Open > Options > Ringing tone > "choose a ringing tone".
Delete all messages from your Inbox at once:
Menu > Messaging > Inbox > Options > Mark/Unmark > Mark all > Options > Delete.
Send or hide your caller ID: Go to: Menu > Tools > Settings > Call > Send My
Caller ID > 'Yes', 'No' or 'Set By Network' to follow the default settings of your home network.
If you often copy large files to your MultiMedia Card, I recommend a card reader.
E.g. With a card reader it takes only 12 seconds to copy a 10 MB file!
Record the sound of a phone call using the (sound) Recorder.
Menu > Extra's > Recorder > Options > Record sound clip.
Note: short beeps are audible during call registration.
But there is a 60 second limitation so if you want unlimited sound recording get this app: Extended Recorder.
While writing text, press "#" to switch between upper and lower case and Dictonary on/off (predictive text input).
Press and hold "#" to switch between Alpha mode and Number mode.
Keyboard shortcuts for zooming and rotating images in Images:
1 = zoom in, 0 = zoom out, press and hold to return to the normal view.
2 = rotate anticlockwise, 9 = rotate clockwise, * = full screen.
In standby mode, press and hold the right soft key to activate voice dialling.
To add a voice tag to a phone number, open a contact card and scroll to the phone number and select:
Options > Add voice tag.
You can customize both soft keys located below the screen (in standby mode):
Menu > Tools > Settings > Phone > Standby mode > Left/Right selection key > "select an application".

A new vacuum cleaner

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A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this dung!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilly sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady

MORAL: Gather all requirements and resources before working on any project and committing to the client...!!!

Why wedding ring should be put on the fourth finger ??

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Pls follow the below step, really god make this a miracle( this is from a chinese excerpt)

1.) Firstly, show your palm, centre finger bend and put together back to back
2.) Secondly, the rest 4 fingers tips to tips
3.) Games begin, follow the below arrangement, 5 finger but only 1 pair can split

3251

4.) Try to open your thumb, the thumb represent parents, it can be open cause all human does go thru sick and dead. Which is our parents will leave us one day
5.) Pls close up your thumb, then open your second finger, the finger represent brothers and sisters, they do have their own family which is too they will leave us too
6.) Now close up your second finger, open up your little finer, this represent your children. Sooner or later they too will leave us for they got they own living to live
7.) Nevertheless, close up your little finer, try to open your fourth finger which we put our wedding ring, you will be surprise to find that it cannot be open at all. Because it represent husband and wife, this whole life you will be attach to each other

Real love will stick together ever and forever

Thumb represent parents
Second finger represent brothers & sisters
Centre finger represent own self
Fourth finger represent your partner
Last finger represent your children

Yes Guys, ur partner of life is the greatest relative of urs, because not only U share with him/her ur life, but also mind, body, soul, bed, .....etc. etc. which U cannot share with any one else, so be faithfull to ur partner & love him/her to the maximum, because Love begets Love



Underground Train In Korea.... :-O

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Take a look at those picture.....think how creative......!!!!!

Why not to mix Beer n Viagra

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Bill Clinton & Japanese President

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Once meeting was arranged between bill clinton and japanese president. but Japanese president didn't know english, so the translator told him to learn to say
How r u ? and also to say i m fine when bill asks him how is he?? japanese president was unable to learn all the sentences. So translator thought he can say how r u? and when bill asks, he can answer "me too." means he is also fine. So he started learning ME TOO, ME TOO, ME TOO.
Finally, the day came and great personalities met for first time. Japanese president made a mistake and asked who r u? instead of how r u? and everyone knows that bill clinton has humourous behaviour. so he told he is the husband of hillary clinton and japanese president told ME TOO.

The piss test.....:-)

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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Bin Laden Emails Bush

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Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

This is how business is done!!

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Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son to get married

Laloo : I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I want to choose my own bride".

Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case......Yes"

Next Laloo approaches Mukesh Ambani

Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."
Ambani : "But my daughter is too young to marry."

Laloo : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank." Ambani : "Ah, in that case.....Yes"

Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president." President :"But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."

Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case.......Yes."

Now this is how business is done!!

Newton's Romantic Laws.........

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Newton in romantic mood......

Universal law:

"Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer
from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money "



First law:

"A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl
in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless
any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and
break the legs of the boy. "



Second law:

"The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is
directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and
the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the
bank balance. "



Third law:

"The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and
opposite to the force applied by the girl while slap."

100+ Run... Commands! for Windows XP!

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Click START -> Run -> Type any commands below

Commands:

1. Accessibility Controls - access.cpl
2. Accessibility Wizard - accwiz
3. Add Hardware Wizard - hdwwiz.cpl
4. Add/Remove Programs - appwiz.cpl
5. Administrative Tools - control admintools
6. Automatic Updates - wuaucpl.cpl
7. Bluetooth Transfer Wizard - fsquirt
8. Calculator - calc
9. Certificate Manager - certmgr.msc
10. Character Map - charmap
11. Check Disk Utility - chkdsk
12. Clipboard Viewer - clipbrd
13. Command Prompt - cmd
14. Component Services - dcomcnfg
15. Computer Management - compmgmt.msc
16. Control Panel - control
17. Date and Time Properties - timedate.cpl
18. DDE Shares - ddeshare
19. Device Manager - devmgmt.msc
20. Direct X Troubleshooter - dxdiag
21. Disk Cleanup Utility - cleanmgr
22. Disk Defragment - dfrg.msc
23. Disk Management - diskmgmt.msc
24. Disk Partition Manager - diskpart
25. Display Properties - control desktop
26. Display Properties - desk.cpl
27. Dr. Watson System Troubleshooting Utility - drwtsn32
28. Driver Verifier Utility - verifier
29. Event Viewer - eventvwr.msc
30. Files and Settings Transfer Tool - migwiz
31. File Signature Verification Tool - sigverif
32. Findfast - findfast.cpl
33. Firefox - firefox
34. Folders Properties - control folders
35. Fonts - control fonts
36. Fonts Folder - fonts
37. Free Cell Card Game - freecell
38. Game Controllers - joy.cpl
39. Group Policy Editor (for xp professional) - gpedit.msc
40. Hearts Card Game - mshearts
41. Help and Support - helpctr
42. HyperTerminal - hypertrm
43. Iexpress Wizard - iexpress
44. Indexing Service - ciadv.msc
45. Internet Connection Wizard - icwconn1
46. Internet Explorer - iexplore
47. Internet Properties - inetcpl.cpl
48. Keyboard Properties - control keyboard
49. Local Security Settings - secpol.msc
50. Local Users and Groups - lusrmgr.msc
51. Logs You Out Of Windows - logoff
52. Malicious Software Removal Tool - mrt
53. Microsoft Chat - winchat
54. Microsoft Movie Maker - moviemk
55. Microsoft Paint - mspaint
56. Microsoft Syncronization Tool - mobsync
57. Minesweeper Game - winmine
58. Mouse Properties - control mouse
59. Mouse Properties - main.cpl
60. Netmeeting - conf
61. Network Connections - control netconnections
62. Network Connections - ncpa.cpl
63. Network Setup Wizard - netsetup.cpl
64. Notepad - notepad
65. Object Packager - packager
66. ODBC Data Source Administrator - odbccp32.cpl
67. On Screen Keyboard - osk
68. Outlook Express - msimn
69. Paint - pbrush
70. Password Properties - password.cpl
71. Performance Monitor - perfmon.msc
72. Performance Monitor - perfmon
73. Phone and Modem Options - telephon.cpl
74. Phone Dialer - dialer
75. Pinball Game - pinball
76. Power Configuration - powercfg.cpl
77. Printers and Faxes - control printers
78. Printers Folder - printers
79. Regional Settings - intl.cpl
80. Registry Editor - regedit
81. Registry Editor - regedit32
82. Remote Access Phonebook - rasphone
83. Remote Desktop - mstsc
84. Removable Storage - ntmsmgr.msc
85. Removable Storage Operator Requests - ntmsoprq.msc
86. Resultant Set of Policy (for xp professional) - rsop.msc
87. Scanners and Cameras - sticpl.cpl
88. Scheduled Tasks - control schedtasks
89. Security Center - wscui.cpl
90. Services - services.msc
91. Shared Folders - fsmgmt.msc
92. Shuts Down Windows - shutdown
93. Sounds and Audio - mmsys.cpl
94. Spider Solitare Card Game - spider
95. SQL Client Configuration - cliconfg
96. System Configuration Editor - sysedit
97. System Configuration Utility - msconfig
98. System Information - msinfo32
99. System Properties - sysdm.cpl
100. Task Manager - taskmgr
101. TCP Tester - tcptest
102. Telnet Client - telnet
103. User Account Management - nusrmgr.cpl
104. Utility Manager - utilman
105. Windows Address Book - wab
106. Windows Address Book Import Utility - wabmig
107. Windows Explorer - explorer
108. Windows Firewall - firewall.cpl
109. Windows Magnifier - magnify
110. Windows Management Infrastructure - wmimgmt.msc
111. Windows Media Player - wmplayer
112. Windows Messenger - msmsgs
113. Windows System Security Tool - syskey
114. Windows Update Launches - wupdmgr
115. Windows Version - winver
116. Wordpad - write

A Big One.....(Funny Pic)

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Dictionary For Men/Women

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What MEN / WOMEN Says and What's their actual Meaning.


WOMEN'S WORDS

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble





7. Fine, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you idiot!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is s@x all you ever think about?



*********


MEN'S WORDS


1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have s@x now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have s@x?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have s@x with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have s@x with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have s@x with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have s@x with you

Husbands Of The Year!!!!!!!

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They are up in bed

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A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where`s Mom and dad?"

and she replied, "they`re up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where`s Mom and Dad?"

and she replied "they`re still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where`s Mom and dad?"

and his grandmother replied "they`re still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "whats so funny? Every time I tell you they`re still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

Chick Fart!!!!!!!!!

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In Hospital........sardar joke.... :-O

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Santa Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the Passport size photograph of his son (for college admission). Accidently, the photograph fell from his pocket. He started searching for it frantically & found the same on the floor of the bus. Politely, he asked the saree-clad female, standing in front of him, "Can you lift that saree? I wanna take a photograph."

The rest is history.

He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted in a hospital. He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him, in a still worse condition. Banta started to explain his "Adventure". He had gone to a remote village on some work & due to his high level of intelligence, couldn't finish the work on time. He had missed the last bus from that place. He couldn't find any Hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the Owner whether he could stay there for the night. The Owner replied "I have two grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay". He approached the next house and asked whether he could stay there for the night. The Owner replied, "I have three grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay". He went towards the next house and without taking any risks, asked, "Do you have "grown up" daughters?".

The Owner asked, "WHY?"

Banta replied, "I wanted to stay here for a night."

Some Cool Sarder Jokes

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When Santa met with an Accident...

Santa and Banta driving on a street,in different directions. Out of some unfortunate mishap, the cars slammed into each other, head-on. They were able to get out of their cars without any serious injury, but the cars were totaled.

Before Santa could say anything, Banta said, "Instead of fighting over whose fault it was, why don`t we just celebrate that we were able to come out alive?"

Santa said, "Yeah, good idea!"

"I have a bottle of whisky in the trunk, why don`t I pull that out?",suggested Banta. He went around, and luckily the bottle was not damaged in the accident.

He gave it to Santa and said, "Here, drink some!"

Santa took the bottle and chugged half of it down. Then he wiped his mouth and handed the bottle over to Banta.

"Here, you have some!"

Banta passed it back and said, "No, I think I`ll wait until the police get here."


****************************************************


Afraid of water

sardar(to his friend): my wife is afraid of water.

friend: how can u say that?

sardar: yesterday when i reached my home i found her in the bath tub with our security guard.......

****************************************************

Anomaly

"Doctor, I need your help," Preeto says.

"What seems to be the problem?"

"My husband, Banta, just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?"

"Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has he seen a doctor?"

"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!"

"Er ... Why don't you take a lover?"

"I have! I still don't get enough."

"Take another lover."

"I did. In fact, I have eight lovers and I still don't get enough sex!"

"Gosh, that's an anomaly!"

"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!"

**************************************************

At The Circus


Banta and Preeto took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.

"Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked.

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs?" asked the boy.

Embarrassed, Preeto replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son." She then left to get some samosas and drink.

While she was gone, the young boy turned to Banta and asked, "Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"

"That's the elephant's penis, son," explained Banta.

"Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her?" the boy asked.

Taking a deep breath, Banta proudly replied, "I've spoiled that woman, son!"

**************************************

Badi Cheez

sardar to his friend -I want to gift something to my girlfriend

Friend -give her a gold ring

Sardar-Nahi Kuch Badi cheez bata

Friend MRF Ka Tyre De De.

*************************************

Banta in Paris

Banta Singh was a business graduate, and had been out of school for several years.

He had established a furniture store and was doing quite well.

He decided to expand the lines he carried by adding some expensive French furniture he knew no one else in town carried.

He scheduled a buying trip to France.

Bantas first day in Paris was very successful and he found a number of pieces he thought he could profitably sell back home.

After the arrangements were made to begin shipping this furniture home, he decided to celebrate with a glass of wine in a small sidewalk cafe.

The place was jammed, but he managed to find an empty table.

Just about the time his wine arrived, a beautiful girl came by and motioned to the empty chair at his table with a questioning look on her face.

He assumed she wanted to sit with him and nodded his head "yes." The girl sat down with him.

The girl tried to talk to him, but, alas, he understood not one word of French.

He tried to talk to her, but, alas, she understood not one word of Punjabi.

He had an idea. He took a napkin and drew a wine glass and a question mark. She nodded her head "yes." They sat quietly enjoying their wine.

When it was just about finished, Banta realized it was nearly time for dinner. He took another napkin and drew a picture of two people at a table eating dinner.

She nodded her head "yes" and took him by the hand. She led him down the street to a very nice restaurant. They went in.

The girl spoke with the head waiter and they were seated in a quiet corner where they could hear the band playing and see the dance floor.

Banta could not read the menu since it was in French, so he allowed the girl to order for him.

The food was excellent and the couple thoroughly enjoyed it.

After dinner, Banta took a napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded her head "yes" and they danced to every song the band played, whether fast or slow.

When the band quit playing and began to pack away their instruments,the couple returned to their table.

The girl took a napkin and reached for Bantas pen.He handed it to her and she drew a picture of a four poster bed..........!

Banta is still wondering to this day how she knew he was in the furniture business

***************************************

Beautiful Girl

Biwi: yesterDay I saW a veRy beaUtiful giRl.

Sardar: ThEn whAt haPPened?

Biwi: I jUst kept on aDmiring hEr, oN and oN..

Sardar (gets irritated): WHAT haPPened thEn?

Biwi smiled and said:
ThEn.............................................. ............ I moVed aWay frOm thE miRRor

***********************************************

Bet

Seeing santa singh depressed one of his friends asks him.

"oye why r u sad?"

....to which santa replies ..."i lost 300 rs in bet."

... his friend ask hims..."how?"

santa singh says.."i bet on india for rs 200...but unfortunately india lost"

his friend queries.."but u said 300 rs..."

santa singh answers..."i again bet for india for rs 100 in the HIGHLIGHTS of the match"

*******************************

Santa Banta find a bomb


Santa and Banta find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station.

"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Banta.


"Don’t worry about it," says Santa. "We’ll just lie and tell them we only found two."

************************************

Bombay

Sardar traveling in plane going to bombay.

while it is landing he shouted bombay... bombay..., air hostes said b silent.

sardar said ok and shouting "ombay ombay"

**********************************

Burnol Aur Viagra

sardar ki jangh jaal gayi,

dr. ne burnol aur viagra likh ke di

sardar bola burnol to samza par viagra kyon?

dr. ne kaha usse blanket uncha rahega.

*********************************

Bus Tickets

Santa Singh bought two tickets to Connaught Place from Tilak Nagar in a DTC bus in Delhi. The conductor was a bit surprised as he could not see anyone with Santa.

Conductor: "Oye Sardaran! Why do you need two tickets? You are travelling alone?"

Santa Singh: "Dont you know.. pick-pocketing is common on buses... so I will keep one ticket in my shirts left pocket and the other in my right! So even if a pickpocket gets at one of my pockets, I will still have a ticket and will not travel without ticket!"

Conductor: "What if a pickpocket gets both your pockets?"
Santa Singh takes out his wallet from his pant pocket: "I have a monthly pass also!"


Conductor: "And if someone gets your pant pockets also.. then what.. then you will be fined for travelling without ticket!!"

Santa Singh puts his hand inside his shirt and displays his ID card (hanging with a chain around his neck) and says with a cunning smile: "Phir sadda DTC staff hone ka kya fayada!"

******************************************

Car dents

Banta was driving back from Shimla when there was a terrible hailstorm. Huge hailstones the size of tennis balls pelted his car leaving it full of dents.

He drove to the nearby automotive center and asked what he should do. The mechanic explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least Rs 5,000 to repair. Banta said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it.

He decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out."

Banta decided to give it a try before spending that much money. He drove home and was in the garage with his lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when his neighbour Santa came over to visit.

"What are you doing?" asked Santa.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained Banta.

"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied Santa.

"Why not?" asked Banta.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first."

******************************************

Chasma

SANTA: YAAR BANTA MUJHE CHASMA LE DO MUJHE DOOR KA DHIKAYI NAHI DETA HAI

BANTA BAHAAR LE JAATE HUE: WOH KYA HAI?

SANTA: SURAJ

BANTA:ABE AUR KITNA DOOR DEKHEGA

**************************************

Santa’s chicken farm

One day our Santa decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbour, Banta, was also a chicken farmer.

Banta came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn’t easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I’ll give you 100 chickens."

Santa was thrilled. Two weeks later Banta stopped by to see how things were going.

Santa said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."

Banta said, "Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. I’ll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and Banta stops in again.

Santa says, "You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."

Astounded, Banta asked, "What did you do to them? What went wrong?"

"Well," says Santa, "I’m not sure. But I think I’m not planting them far enough apart."

***************************************

Cricket

SANTA & BANTA WERE GOOD FRIENDS.THEY BOTH LOVED CRICKET.

THEY BOTH DECIDED THAT WHO EVER DIES FIRST WILL COME IN THE OTHERS DREAM & TALK ABOUT CRICKET.

BANTA DIED FIRST. SO BANTA CAME IN SANTAS DREAM AND TALKED ABOUT CRICKET.

SO SANTA ASKED BANTA THAT HOW IS CRICKET IN HEAVEN?

BANTA SAID "IN HEAVEN CRICKET IS VERY FAMOUS".

THE NEXT DAY BANTA AGAIN CAME.HE TOLD SANTA THAT HE HAS ONE GOODNEWS & ONE BAD NEWS.

SANTA FIRST ASKED THE GOODNEWS.

BANTA SAID"THE GOODNEWS IS THAT THERE IS A MATCH IN HEAVEN TOMORROW & IAM THE OPENING BATSMAN".

THEN SANTA ASKED THE BAD NEWS & BANTA SAID

"THE BAD NEWS IS THAT YOU ARE THE OPENING BOWLER IN THAT MATCH!!!"

******************************************

Santa’s delight

Doctor: I regret to inform you that you have a brain tumor.

Santa Singh: Hey! Is it? Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor: Listen, do you really understand the implications.

Santa Singh: Yes of course, do you think I’m a dumbhead or a dodo?

Doctor: Then, why on earth, are you so happy to hear that?

Santa Singh: Oh Doc, how do I tell you? I can prove the people wrong now as I do have a brain.

*******************************

Elizabeth

Once Queen Elizabeth comes to India in summers, and is invited for lunch by the then President, Giani Zail Singh.

While in the President House, ELizabeth wants to fresh herself so she very politely says to Gianiji, Gianiji can you please show me the Corner Gianiji takes Liz to the corner of the room where two walls meet, and says Here is the corner and comes back.

Then She again try to convince him again and now says in a slightly blunt American manner - Gianiji can you please show me the Loo.

No Madamji, Loo is a very bad thing and can even kill people. This is a nice AC hall so why dont you sit here and enjoy the lunch, says Gianiji.

Now its really hard for her to hold it any further.

She gathers all the words she knows of Hindi and forgetting all her English style-wyle shouts out to Gianiji Gianiji please mujhe aap peshaab karne ki jagah dikha deejeeay... Gianiji is all smiles.

Very quietly in shy manner he says - Pehle Aap Dikhaao

**********************************

Erotic Thoughts

Banta was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, and then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!

Banta gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're Banta to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!"

**********************************

Essay

Sardar par ek essay :

Sardar ek vichitra prani hota hai.

yeh gurudware ke aas paas paye jate hai.

inke sir par ek yantra laga hota hai jo roz 12 baze bajta hai.

inka mukhya ahar langhar hota hai.

iske sare shareer par baal hote hai.

yeh punjab ke jungalo mein paye jata hai.

isko gurupurab wale din badi matra mein dekha ja sakta hai.

yeh chutkule banane ke kam aate hai.

yeh bada ho kar driver banne ke kam aata hai

***************************************

A fishing trip

Santa and Banta decided to go on a fishing trip. They went to a tackle store, bought all of the equipment they needed and then went on to the lake. There they rented a boat for the day.

Once out to a spot they dropped their lines, and through the day had tremendous luck.

Santa said to Banta, "We should mark this spot." So Banta leaned over a put a mark on the side of the boat.

Santa said "You fool that won’t work".

"Why?" said Banta.

Because Santa said "we may not get the same boat tomorrow."

Compress love

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7 Amazing Holes in the world!!!!!

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Looking at photos like these scares and fascinates me in equal doses. the sheer scale of these holes reminds you of just how tiny you are.

1. Mirny Diamond Mine, Siberia

I’m pretty sure most people have seen this one. It’s an absolute beast and holds the title of largest open diamond mine in the world. At 525 metres deep with a top diameter of 1200 metres there’s even a no-fly zone above the hole due to a few helicopters being sucked in.



The red arrow in the photo below is pointing to a huge truck.




2. Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa

Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world, this 1097 metre deep mine yielded over 3 tonnes of diamonds before being closed in 1914.


The amount of earth removed by workers is estimated to total 22.5 million tonnes.

3. Glory Hole - Monticello Dam

A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and water needs to be drained from the resevoir.


This is the glory hole belonging to monticello dam in california and it’s the largest in the world, its size enabling it to consume 14′400 cubic feet of water every second.




The hole can be seen at the top left of the photo above. If you were to jump in for some reason your slightly damp body would shoot out near the bottom of the dam (below).


4. Bingham Canyon Mine, Utah

This is supposedly the largest man-made excavation on earth. Extraction began in 1863 and still continues today, the pit increasing in size constantly. In its current state the hole is 3/4 mile deep and 2.5 miles wide.




5. Great Blue Hole, Belize

Situated 60 miles off the mainland of belize is this incredible ‘geographical phenomenon’ known as a blue hole. There are numerous blue holes around the world but none as stunning as this one.


At surface level the near perfectly circular hole is 1/4 mile wide, the depth in the middle reaching 145 metres. obviously the hole is a huge hit with divers.




6. Diavik Mine, Canada

This incredible mine can be found 300km northeast of yellowknife in canada.



The mine is so huge and the area so remote that it even has its own airport with a runway large enough to accomodate a boeing 737. It also looks equally as cool when the surrounding water is frozen.




7. Sinkhole, Guatemala

A sinkhole is caused when water (usually rainwater or sewage) is soaked up by the earth on a large scale, resulting in the ground collapsing.




These photos are of a sinkhole which occured early this year in guatemala. the hole swallowed a dozen homes and killed at least 3 people.




Officials blamed the monster of a hole on a ruptured sewage pipe.



A news report about the hole…

If Women Ruled The World

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Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit..

Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

HORROR at Lonavala:::: Chilling story!!!

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This happened about a month ago near Lonavala. A guy
was driving from
Mumbai to Pune and decided not to take the new expressway
as he wanted to
See the scenery.
The inevitable happens and when he reached the ghats his
Car breaks down - he's stranded miles from nowhere.
Having no choice he
Started walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a
lift to the
Nearest town. It was dark. And pretty soon he got wet and
Shivering. The night rolled on and no car passed by.
Suddenly he saw a car
coming towards him. It slowed and then stops next to
him - without thinking the guy opend the door and jumps in.
Seated in the
back, he leand forward to thank the person who had saved
him.
he realizes there is nobody behind the wheel!!!
Even though there's no one in the front seat and no
sound of any engine,
the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road
ahead and sees a
curve coming. Scared almost to death he starts to pray,
begging the Lord
for his
life.
He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits
the curve, a hand
appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car
makes the curve
safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy,
now paralyzed
in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they
are before a curve
and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car
around each bend.
Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage
he wrenches open
the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out
and runs as hard
as he can towards the lights. It's a small town.
He stumbles into a dhaba, and asks for a drink, and breaks
down. Then he
starts talking about the horrible experience he's just
been through.
There is dead silence in the dhaba when he stops talking
..... . . . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.... . . . . . . . . .

......and that's when Santa and Banta Singh walk into
the dhaba. Santa
points
and says "Look Banta - that's the weird guy who
got into our car when we
were pushing it."

Watch-man

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Busy husband one day sneak-in his own house in office hour and got behind to his wife silently and blinds his wife's eye with hands and said romantically with all of his hope ...
Husband: tell me darling who am I ?
Wife : Ummm... watchman ?

Chastity Belt

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A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong," he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key!"

When cigarettes become too expensive…

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COMPUTER -Gender

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A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.* Each
group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora' ), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The* native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4. As* soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador') , because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They* are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model

Girls Profile for marriage (Recommended to read full)

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These are Girls profiles taken from shaadi . com These are actual ads on a
matrimony site. Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!

Disclaimer : I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail...


~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

- Hello To Viewers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i dont have male,If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my
home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalore .. if u like me u welcome to my heart....
when ever u whant to meet pls visit my resident or
send u letter..
Thanks
yours Regards Sowmya ~*~

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from Orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework
(Wut Homework?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a
first step of love. I am looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than i.
Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ........hold my hand forever !!!
(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

i am simple girl. I have lot of problemin my life because of my lucknow i am looking one boy he care me
and love me lot lot lot
(I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast
(by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell....)

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOY
,THEY ARE
1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.
2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION
3. THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY
TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.
(all of us are loughing {laughing})


whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone groom and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he would be called the man of the lamp
(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl wants)


i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and I love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate
ok
(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome" )

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~


iam pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and father & mother sister completely married
(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely' ?)


~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes
(height of desperation! J )

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~


iam kanandevi. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.
(No comments)


~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

hello i am a good charactarised woman. i want to run my life happily. i divorced my first husband. his charactor is not good'.
i expect the good minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ...
(but credit cards not accepted..?? ?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Iam Sharmila my colour is black, but my heart is white. i like social service.
(Zebra

Jokes......Bangla

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eitukun chele tumi etto boro dokan eka shamlao????
: jii
: boiyomer lojence,chocolate,biscuit eshob dekhe khete lobh hoy na?
: hoy.khai na. chete chete rekhe dei......
----------------------------------

park a pashapashi boshe achen duijon...

ekjon onnojonke bollo, ki dinkal je elo....ajkal ar poshak ashak dekhe chena jay na chele na meye...oy je oy meyetike dekhen......ke bolbe je shey meye???

: je meyetir kotha bolchen o kintu amari meye
:dukhito.....ami jantam na apni je or baba..
: maf korben.....ami or baba noi,ma



shikhok: bolo to prithibir akar ki rokom?
chatro: golakar,sir...
shikhok: besh besh! ebar proman dao ki kore bujhle prithibi gol???
chatro: joralo proman ache sir. prothom porikkhay prithibi chepta likhe shunno peyechi. ditiyo porikkhay choukona likeho shunno pelam.tarpor likhlam prithibi lomba,tao apni kete dilen... sheshe onek bhebe chinte likhlam teenkona, tao apni kete dilen....ta hole ar baki ki roilo sir???? gol howa chara prithibir ar to kono upay dekhte pacchi na.......

stri ebong shami .............**bangla**

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nobo bibahito dompottir majhe kotha hocche...
stri: jodi boli amar uporer patir datgulo badhano,tobe tumi ki raag korbe?
shami:-motei na ami tobe nishchinte amar porchula ar kather pa ta khule rakhte parbo....

khek khekzzz.......kichu bujhlen????

Tin chapabaj **bangla**

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Tin chapabaj boshe boshe golpo korchhe...

1st one: Ami to bashay cup er por cup cha khai. Amar didi cup a cha dhale r ami khai, dhale r ami khai.

2nd one: A r emon ki? Ami to direct kettle er pipe er moddhe mukh diye dhok dhok kore cha khai.

3rd one: A r emon ki? Ami prothome ektu cha pata khai, ektu chini khai, ektu dudh khai tar pore lungi ta uchu kore stove er upore boshe pori... hah hah hah. Amar ta vitorei cha hoye jay...

Pricessless words!

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A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that
it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
"Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping.
Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and
sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye
when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks,
"So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off,
you said,

"LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"


Moral

Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00

Saying the Right Thing While Drunk รข€“ "PRICELESS "

There are truly some things that both money and Mastercard can't buy

Height of Optimism...

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Soldier: "Sir, we are surrounded by the enemies",
Major: "Excellent ! We can now attack in any direction" !.

==========================================================

What is the height of mixed emotions???
when ur mother in law falls from 7th floor on ur mercedes!!!!

==========================================================

Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son : Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.

==========================================================

bhikari : sahab ek rupiya de do.
Sahab : tumhe sharam nahi aati road par khade hokar bhikh mangte.
Bhikari : abe tere ek rupiye ke liye office kholu kya?

=========================================================

Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."

Electric Train

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Some Sarder Jokes

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1
Interviewer:
what is your birth date?
Sardar: 13th October
Which year?
Sardar: Oye ullu ke pathe _ _ _ EVERY YEAR
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2
Manager asked to sardar at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 15 letters in it?
Sardar replied: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.
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3
After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4
Boss: Where were you born?
sardar : Punjab ..
Boss : which part ?
sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.
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5
sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have a one more.
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6
Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'..
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi
petrol se start hoti hai
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7
Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing wheel from your auto.
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler
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8
Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass.
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9
Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright
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10
On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.
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11
Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die?
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.
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12
How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ? Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it.........
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13
Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai.
Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: I'm falling in love.
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14
Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one...........
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15
A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein
Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.
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16
At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Santa: Control yourself.. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
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17
Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got irritated.....drank poison & said, Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!
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18
Banta: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all
India Radio
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If you Love Someone............

Labels:

THE ORIGINAL QUOTE
If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was.....

THE NEW VERSIONS R.....

Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was

Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back within some time forget her.

Patient:
If you love someone, Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back,
continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat ....

C++ Programmer:
if(you-love( m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she = new CShe;

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second
Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom

Biologist :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She'll evolve.

Statisticians :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming
back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable
anyway.

Schwarzenegger' s fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Over possessive person :
If you love someone
don't set her free.

MBA :
If you love someone set her free instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously

Psychologist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnabulist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

ERP functional expert :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis

Finance expert :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Specialist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new market

Who Kissed Her?????

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A case of kiss and a slap:
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------
Bush, Manmohan, Aishwarya rai and Sonia are traveling in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed. Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Sonia is thinking:
These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.

Aishwarya is thinking:
Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.

Bush is thinking:
Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.

Manmohan is thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Bush again.

Letter to Dad

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Subject: A Letter to Dad


A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom
was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and
tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of
the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he
opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm
writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend
Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been
finding real passion with Randy and he is
so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even
with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But
it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he
wants me to have the kid and that
we can be very happy together. Even though
Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so
old these days is it?),
and has no money, really these things shouldn't
stand in the way of our
relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a
trailer in the woods
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's
true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful
to me in his own way.
He wants to have many more children with me and
that's now one of my dreams too.

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our
friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll
pray that science will find a
cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure
deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know
how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can
get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.



At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".
Hands still trembling,
her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at
the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer.
Please sign it and call when it is
safe for me to come home. I love you!

Hot news

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After a great success of Aishwarya Rai's movie Bride & Prejudice all over the world, Indian government wanted a special postage stamp with her picture on it to recognize her. Government stress that it should be world class. The stamps were released, and Indian Government & Aishwarya Rai both were pleased. But within a couple of days, began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and became furious. Indian Government ordered CBI to investigate the matter. CBI checked out at several post offices, and then reported to the Government Officials that: "The stamp is really world class. The problem is, all the peoples are licking on the wrong side of the stamp."

student & teacher

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Sam: Would u punish me for something that i didn't do?

Teacher: No, Ofcourse not.

Sam: Good big grin , because i didn't do my homework.

Draw a god

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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."


Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute

Funny Jokes...........Must ReAd (Bengali)

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Ekbar ekta lok prochur mair khaise. Take dekhe traffic police take jigges korlo "vai ki hoise? apni erokom mair khailen ken?"

Tokhon lokta boltese "Ki ar bolbo, ami amar wife er chobi dekhte dekhte rastai hattesilam, emon somoi hat theke chobita pore gelo. Chobi ta khujte giye dekhi ekta mota mohila oitar upor daraye ase. Ami kase giye bollam 'Apa, shari ta tulen photo tulbo'. Bas tarpor amar ei obostha."

Three things that even Microsoft can't explain!

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MAGIC #1

An Indian found that nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the Computer which can be named as "CON". This is something funny and inexplicable… At Microsoft the whole Team, couldn't answer why this happened!
TRY IT NOW, IT WILL NOT CREATE A "CON" FOLDER

MAGIC #2

For those of you using Windows, do the following:
1.) Open an empty notepad file
2.) Type "Bush hid the facts" (without the quotes)
3.) Save it as whatever you want.
4.) Close it, and re-open it.
Noticed the weird bug? No one can explain!

MAGIC #3

Again this is something funny and can't be explained… At Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this happened!
It was discovered by a Brazilian. Try it out yourself…
Open Microsoft Word and type
=rand (200, 99)
And then press ENTER
And see the magic…..!

Bra Sizess !!!!! +(R)

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A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's
and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter
and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a
sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are
really only four types of bras to choose from.

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The
saleslady replied:

There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the
Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the
differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G,
and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood
for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enorm! ous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

I always used to wonder about those alphabetical
sizes.....hehehe, now i know!!

NOKIA - Useful Universal Code

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These Nokia codes will work on most Nokia Mobile Phones

(1) *3370# Activate Enhanced Full Rate Codec (EFR) - Your phone uses the best sound quality but talk time is

reduced my approx. 5%

(2) #3370# Deactivate Enhanced Full Rate Codec (EFR) OR *3370#

(3) *#4720# Activate Half Rate Codec - Your phone uses a lower quality sound but you should gain approx 30%

more Talk Time.

(4) *#4720# Deactivate Half Rate Codec.

(5) *#0000# Displays your phones software version, 1st Line : Software Version, 2nd Line : Software Release

Date, 3rd Line : Compression Type.

(6) *#9999# Phones software version if *#0000# does not work.

(7) *#06# For checking the International Mobile Equipment Identity (IMEI Number).

(8) #pw+1234567890+1# Provider Lock Status. (use the "*" button to obtain the "p,w"
and "+" symbols).

(9) #pw+1234567890+2# Network Lock Status. (use the "*" button to obtain the "p,w"
and "+" symbols).

(10) #pw+1234567890+3# Country Lock Status. (use the "*" button to obtain the "p,w"
and "+" symbols).

(11) #pw+1234567890+4# SIM Card Lock Status. (use the "*" button to obtain the "p,w" Go to Top
and "+" symbols).

(12) *#147# (vodafone) this lets you know who called you last.

(13) *#1471# Last call (Only vodofone).

(14) *#21# Allows you to check the number that "All Calls" are diverted to

(15) *#2640# Displays security code in use.

(16) *#30# Lets you see the private number.

(17) *#43# Allows you to check the "Call Waiting" status of your phone.

(18) *#61# Allows you to check the number that "On No Reply" calls are diverted to.

(19) *#62# Allows you to check the number that "Divert If Unreachable (no service)" calls
are diverted to.

(20) *#67# Allows you to check the number that "On Busy Calls" are diverted to.

(21) *#67705646# Removes operator logo on 3310 & 3330.

(22) *#73# Reset phone timers and game scores.

(23) *#746025625# Displays the SIM Clock status, if your phone supports this power saving feature "SIM Clock Stop

Allowed", it means you will get the best standby time possible.

(24) *#7760# Manufactures code.

(25) *#7780# Restore factory settings.

(26) *#8110# Software version for the nokia 8110.

Go to Top

(27) *#92702689# Displays - 1.Serial Number, 2.Date Made, 3.Purchase Date, 4.Date of last repair (0000 for no

repairs), 5.Transfer User Data. To exit this mode you need to switch your phone off then on again. ( Favourite )

(28) *#94870345123456789# Deactivate the PWM-Mem.

(29) **21*number# Turn on "All Calls" diverting to the phone number entered.

(30) **61*number# Turn on "No Reply" diverting to the phone number entered.

(31) **67*number# Turn on "On Busy" diverting to the phone number entered.

(32) 12345 This is the default security code.

press and hold # Lets you switch between lines

NOKIA5110/5120/5130/5190


IMEI number: * # 0 6 #
Software version: * # 0 0 0 0 #
Simlock info: * # 9 2 7 0 2 6 8 9 #
Enhanced Full Rate: * 3 3 7 0 # [ # 3 3 7 0 # off]
Half Rate: * 4 7 2 0 #
Provider lock status: #pw+1234567890+1
Network lock status #pw+1234567890+2
Provider lock status: #pw+1234567890+3
SimCard lock status: #pw+1234567890+4
NOKIA 6110/6120/6130/6150/6190
IMEI number: * # 0 6 #
Software version: * # 0 0 0 0 #
Simlock info: * # 9 2 7 0 2 6 8 9 #
Enhanced Full Rate: * 3 3 7 0 # [ # 3 3 7 0 # off]
Half Rate: * 4 7 2 0 #

NOKIA3110


IMEI number: * # 0 6 #
Software version: * # 0 0 0 0 # or * # 9 9 9 9 # or * # 3 1 1 0 #
Simlock info: * # 9 2 7 0 2 6 8 9 #
NOKIA 3330
*#06#
This will show your warranty details *#92702689#
*3370#
Basically increases the quality of calling sound, but decreases battery length.
#3370#
Deactivates the above
*#0000#
Shows your software version
*#746025625#This shows if your phone will allow sim clock stoppage
*4370#
Half Rate Codec activation. It will automatically restart
#4370#
Half Rate Codec deactivation. It will automatically restart
Restore Factory Settings
To do this simply use this code *#7780#
Manufacturer Info
Date of Manufacturing *#3283#
*3001#12345# (TDMA phones only)

This will put your phone into programming mode, and you'll be presented with the programming menu.
2) Select "NAM1"
3) Select "PSID/RSID"
4) Select "P/RSID 1"
Note: Any of the P/RSIDs will work
5) Select "System Type" and set it to Private
6) Select "PSID/RSID" and set it to 1
7) Select "Connected System ID"
Note: Enter your System ID for Cantel, which is 16401 or 16423. If you don't know yours,
ask your local dealer for it.
8) Select "Alpha Tag"
9) Enter a new tag, then press OK
10) Select "Operator Code (SOC)" and set it to 2050
11) Select "Country Code" and set it to 302 for Canada, and 310 for the US.
12) Power down the phone and power it back on again
ISDN Code
To check the ISDN number on your Nokia use this code *#92772689#

The Biggest Swimming Pool In The World !!!!

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Already drawing the crowds in the South American resort of San Alfonso del Mar in Chile, this artificial lagoon and swimming pool is eight hectares in size and contains an incredible 250,000 cubic meters of water. Acknowledged by Guinness World Records as being the world’s largest swimming pool, the lagoon trounces all other record holders in the category, including the Orthlieb pool in Casablanca, Morocco, itself a huge 150 meters by 100 meters – the San Alfonso pool is 1km in length. The revolutionary clear water artificial lagoons, transparent to a depth of 35 meters and unprecedented in design and construction methods, are the brainchild of Crystal Lagoons founder, biochemist and Chilean businessman Fernando Fischmann. Equivalent in size to an incredible 6,000 standard domestic pools, details of its technology are to be unveiled for the first time at Cityscape Dubai later this month.