BananaSplitzz

TEACHER : Give me three reasons why the world is round.
Pupil : Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so!
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TEACHER : What shape is the world in?
Pupil : Rotten!

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TEACHER : Why does your geography exam have a big zero over it?
Pupil : It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!

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TEACHER : What's you name ?
Pupil : Juan
TEACHER : You should say "Sir"
Pupil : OK, Sir Juan!

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TEACHER : I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.
Pupil : Life imprisonment!

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TEACHER : Name four members of the cat family
Pupil : Daddy cat, mommy cat and two kittens!

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TEACHER : What is further away, Australia or the Moon ?
Pupil : Australia, you can see the Moon at night!

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TEACHER : What kind of birds do you find in captivity?
Pupil : Jailbirds !

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TEACHER : What is the plural of mouse ?
Pupil : Mice
TEACHER : Good, now what's the plural of baby?
Pupil : Twins!

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TEACHER : What's the longest word in the English language ?
Pupil : Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters!

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TEACHER : : I despair, Jose, how do you manage to get so many things wrong in a day?
Pupil : Because I always get here early sir!

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TEACHER : What do we do with crude oil?
Pupil : Teach it some manners!

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TEACHER : Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener?
Pupil : He had a bee in his suit of armour!

A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for.
"Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box".
Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?"
"Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them.

Son to sardar : abba, 5+5 Kitna hota hai?

Sardar : Ullu, gadhe, idiot, nalayak, besharam, haram khor, tujhe kuch nahi aata.

Jaa andar se calculator lekar aa.!!!!!

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it Tim?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, "That's because he's still inside your stupid cat."

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted,"Order! Order!"
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."

This sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat.

His friend asks him "kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai" (What Sardarji? Why are you afraid, its only a cinema?!!).

Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata "( I am an intelligent man, I know it is a movie, but does that animal know?)

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

It might be a bit long. But its worth reading. (Requirements: Good Command over Hindi Language.)

Since Amitabh Bachchan's contract for Kaun Banega Crorepati is going to expire soon, here are a few persons who could audition for the show.

Nana Patekar: Jaldi se jawab bol. Sahi jawab tere ko lakhpati bana dalega.Galat jawab tere ko hijda bana dega.

Shatrughan Sinha: Khamosh! Bihari babu ke saamne zaban chalata hai. Tera cheque phaad ke phek doonga.

Dharmendra: Galat jawab ! Kutte Kameene, main tera khoon pee jaoonga.

Amrish Puri: Sahi jawab ! Mogambo khush hua !

Amjad Khan: Kitne options the? Chaar ! Soover ke bachchon ! Chaar chaar options ! Bahut nainsaafi hai ! Dhish-keoin Dhish-keoin ! 50-50 kar ke do galat jawab main uda diye. Ab bol, tera kya hoga kaaliya?

Sanjay Dutt: Aye item log, kaye ko udhar khada hai? Idhar aake mere pass baith jaa. Kya be chikne - tere ko aata hai to bol dal varna main tere ko idhar-eech phod dalega.

Raj Kumar: Jaani, huuum, hhhuuuum hote to apne dost ko phone kar ke sawaal pooch lete.

Jagdeep: Bole to Soorma Bhopali - meri jeb ho gayi khaali. Mere pass to koi cheque nahin hain. Arre mujhko jaane do.

Mithun Chakraborty: Eeyaeech ! Tu audience poll karega ? Aye, yahan ke public ke paas time nahin hai. Kya nahin hai? Time nahin hai.

Kesto Mukherji: Hee-heek. Hee-yaik. Apne ko sab kuch do-do dikh rahela hai.Hee-heek. Yeh aath options kidhar se aa gaye? Hee-yok. Apne ko bahut chad gayeli hai.

Ashok Kumar: To abhi aapne yeh dekha ( wheeze ), ki yahan se Delhi ke Ramesh Kumar ( gasp), yahan se Rs 20,000 leke chale gaye. ( groan ). Kal aur dus logon ko leke phir milenge Hum Log (croak ).

A white guy, a Chinese guy, and a Hispanic guy are breaking out of jail. They get all the way to the top of a hill, and at the bottom there is a barbed wired fence. The white guy says, 'O.k. whatever happens when you hit the ground DON'T SCREAM!'

The white guy goes first, he breaks a leg, doesn't scream.

The Chinese guy goes he breaks a arm, doesn't scream.

Then the Hispanic guy goes, and screams his head off! The other two ask him why he screamed so he points at the fence and says, 'Looky, looky, balls on hooky.'

Structure: female_professionals
{double styles;
Short skirts;
Long time_to_understand_ problems;float mind;
Void knowledge;
Char non_co-operative; }


Structure: married_females
{double weight;
Short tempered;
Long gossip;
Float hopes;
Void word;
Char unstable;}




Structure: engaged_females
{double time_on_phone;
Short attention_on_ work;
Long boast;
Float on_cloud_nine;
Void understanding;
Char edgy;}


Structure: newly_married_ females
{double dinner_invitation;
Short time_at_work;
Long lunch_break;
Void bank_balance;
Char hen_pecked;}


Structure: husband_wife_ professionals
{double income;
Short tempered;
Long time_no_see_ each_other;
Void love_life;
Char money_making; }


Structure: beautiful_city_ girl
{double boyfriends;
Short affairs;
Long stories;
Void greymatter;
Char flirt;}


Struct: old_lady
{double chin;
Short memory;
Long sighs ;
Void attention_from_ men;
Char chatterbox;}

Santa & Banta got tired using cell phones. For a change, they decided to use pigeons to send messages. And this scheme worked very fine.

One day Santa sends his pigeon.

Banta sees the pigeon is without any message. He picked his mobile and asks Santa: The pigeon is without any message!!!

Santa: Oye khotey, that was a missed call.

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Afraid of water

sardar(to his friend): my wife is afraid of water.

friend: how can u say that?

sardar: yesterday when i reached my home i found her in the bath tub with our security guard.......

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Anomaly

"Doctor, I need your help," Preeto says.

"What seems to be the problem?"

"My husband, Banta, just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?"

"Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has he seen a doctor?"

"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!"

"Er ... Why don't you take a lover?"

"I have! I still don't get enough."

"Take another lover."

"I did. In fact, I have eight lovers and I still don't get enough sex!"

"Gosh, that's an anomaly!"

"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!"

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At The Circus


Banta and Preeto took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.

"Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked.

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs?" asked the boy.

Embarrassed, Preeto replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son." She then left to get some samosas and drink.

While she was gone, the young boy turned to Banta and asked, "Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"

"That's the elephant's penis, son," explained Banta.

"Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her?" the boy asked.

Taking a deep breath, Banta proudly replied, "I've spoiled that woman, son!"

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Badi Cheez

sardar to his friend -I want to gift something to my girlfriend

Friend -give her a gold ring

Sardar-Nahi Kuch Badi cheez bata

Friend MRF Ka Tyre De De.

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Banta in Paris

Banta Singh was a business graduate, and had been out of school for several years.

He had established a furniture store and was doing quite well.

He decided to expand the lines he carried by adding some expensive French furniture he knew no one else in town carried.

He scheduled a buying trip to France.

Bantas first day in Paris was very successful and he found a number of pieces he thought he could profitably sell back home.

After the arrangements were made to begin shipping this furniture home, he decided to celebrate with a glass of wine in a small sidewalk cafe.

The place was jammed, but he managed to find an empty table.

Just about the time his wine arrived, a beautiful girl came by and motioned to the empty chair at his table with a questioning look on her face.

He assumed she wanted to sit with him and nodded his head "yes." The girl sat down with him.

The girl tried to talk to him, but, alas, he understood not one word of French.

He tried to talk to her, but, alas, she understood not one word of Punjabi.

He had an idea. He took a napkin and drew a wine glass and a question mark. She nodded her head "yes." They sat quietly enjoying their wine.

When it was just about finished, Banta realized it was nearly time for dinner. He took another napkin and drew a picture of two people at a table eating dinner.

She nodded her head "yes" and took him by the hand. She led him down the street to a very nice restaurant. They went in.

The girl spoke with the head waiter and they were seated in a quiet corner where they could hear the band playing and see the dance floor.

Banta could not read the menu since it was in French, so he allowed the girl to order for him.

The food was excellent and the couple thoroughly enjoyed it.

After dinner, Banta took a napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded her head "yes" and they danced to every song the band played, whether fast or slow.

When the band quit playing and began to pack away their instruments,the couple returned to their table.

The girl took a napkin and reached for Bantas pen.He handed it to her and she drew a picture of a four poster bed..........!

Banta is still wondering to this day how she knew he was in the furniture business

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Beautiful Girl

Biwi: yesterDay I saW a veRy beaUtiful giRl.

Sardar: ThEn whAt haPPened?

Biwi: I jUst kept on aDmiring hEr, oN and oN..

Sardar (gets irritated): WHAT haPPened thEn?

Biwi smiled and said:
ThEn.............................................. ............ I moVed aWay frOm thE miRRor

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Bet

Seeing santa singh depressed one of his friends asks him.

"oye why r u sad?"

....to which santa replies ..."i lost 300 rs in bet."

... his friend ask hims..."how?"

santa singh says.."i bet on india for rs 200...but unfortunately india lost"

his friend queries.."but u said 300 rs..."

santa singh answers..."i again bet for india for rs 100 in the HIGHLIGHTS of the match"

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Santa Banta find a bomb


Santa and Banta find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station.

"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Banta.


"Don’t worry about it," says Santa. "We’ll just lie and tell them we only found two."

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Bombay

Sardar traveling in plane going to bombay.

while it is landing he shouted bombay... bombay..., air hostes said b silent.

sardar said ok and shouting "ombay ombay"

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Burnol Aur Viagra

sardar ki jangh jaal gayi,

dr. ne burnol aur viagra likh ke di

sardar bola burnol to samza par viagra kyon?

dr. ne kaha usse blanket uncha rahega.

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Bus Tickets

Santa Singh bought two tickets to Connaught Place from Tilak Nagar in a DTC bus in Delhi. The conductor was a bit surprised as he could not see anyone with Santa.

Conductor: "Oye Sardaran! Why do you need two tickets? You are travelling alone?"

Santa Singh: "Dont you know.. pick-pocketing is common on buses... so I will keep one ticket in my shirts left pocket and the other in my right! So even if a pickpocket gets at one of my pockets, I will still have a ticket and will not travel without ticket!"

Conductor: "What if a pickpocket gets both your pockets?"
Santa Singh takes out his wallet from his pant pocket: "I have a monthly pass also!"


Conductor: "And if someone gets your pant pockets also.. then what.. then you will be fined for travelling without ticket!!"

Santa Singh puts his hand inside his shirt and displays his ID card (hanging with a chain around his neck) and says with a cunning smile: "Phir sadda DTC staff hone ka kya fayada!"

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Car dents

Banta was driving back from Shimla when there was a terrible hailstorm. Huge hailstones the size of tennis balls pelted his car leaving it full of dents.

He drove to the nearby automotive center and asked what he should do. The mechanic explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least Rs 5,000 to repair. Banta said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it.

He decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out."

Banta decided to give it a try before spending that much money. He drove home and was in the garage with his lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when his neighbour Santa came over to visit.

"What are you doing?" asked Santa.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained Banta.

"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied Santa.

"Why not?" asked Banta.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first."

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Chasma

SANTA: YAAR BANTA MUJHE CHASMA LE DO MUJHE DOOR KA DHIKAYI NAHI DETA HAI

BANTA BAHAAR LE JAATE HUE: WOH KYA HAI?

SANTA: SURAJ

BANTA:ABE AUR KITNA DOOR DEKHEGA

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Santa’s chicken farm

One day our Santa decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbour, Banta, was also a chicken farmer.

Banta came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn’t easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I’ll give you 100 chickens."

Santa was thrilled. Two weeks later Banta stopped by to see how things were going.

Santa said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."

Banta said, "Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. I’ll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and Banta stops in again.

Santa says, "You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."

Astounded, Banta asked, "What did you do to them? What went wrong?"

"Well," says Santa, "I’m not sure. But I think I’m not planting them far enough apart."

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Cricket

SANTA & BANTA WERE GOOD FRIENDS.THEY BOTH LOVED CRICKET.

THEY BOTH DECIDED THAT WHO EVER DIES FIRST WILL COME IN THE OTHERS DREAM & TALK ABOUT CRICKET.

BANTA DIED FIRST. SO BANTA CAME IN SANTAS DREAM AND TALKED ABOUT CRICKET.

SO SANTA ASKED BANTA THAT HOW IS CRICKET IN HEAVEN?

BANTA SAID "IN HEAVEN CRICKET IS VERY FAMOUS".

THE NEXT DAY BANTA AGAIN CAME.HE TOLD SANTA THAT HE HAS ONE GOODNEWS & ONE BAD NEWS.

SANTA FIRST ASKED THE GOODNEWS.

BANTA SAID"THE GOODNEWS IS THAT THERE IS A MATCH IN HEAVEN TOMORROW & IAM THE OPENING BATSMAN".

THEN SANTA ASKED THE BAD NEWS & BANTA SAID

"THE BAD NEWS IS THAT YOU ARE THE OPENING BOWLER IN THAT MATCH!!!"

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Santa’s delight

Doctor: I regret to inform you that you have a brain tumor.

Santa Singh: Hey! Is it? Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor: Listen, do you really understand the implications.

Santa Singh: Yes of course, do you think I’m a dumbhead or a dodo?

Doctor: Then, why on earth, are you so happy to hear that?

Santa Singh: Oh Doc, how do I tell you? I can prove the people wrong now as I do have a brain.

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Elizabeth

Once Queen Elizabeth comes to India in summers, and is invited for lunch by the then President, Giani Zail Singh.

While in the President House, ELizabeth wants to fresh herself so she very politely says to Gianiji, Gianiji can you please show me the Corner Gianiji takes Liz to the corner of the room where two walls meet, and says Here is the corner and comes back.

Then She again try to convince him again and now says in a slightly blunt American manner - Gianiji can you please show me the Loo.

No Madamji, Loo is a very bad thing and can even kill people. This is a nice AC hall so why dont you sit here and enjoy the lunch, says Gianiji.

Now its really hard for her to hold it any further.

She gathers all the words she knows of Hindi and forgetting all her English style-wyle shouts out to Gianiji Gianiji please mujhe aap peshaab karne ki jagah dikha deejeeay... Gianiji is all smiles.

Very quietly in shy manner he says - Pehle Aap Dikhaao

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Erotic Thoughts

Banta was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, and then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!

Banta gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're Banta to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!"

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Essay

Sardar par ek essay :

Sardar ek vichitra prani hota hai.

yeh gurudware ke aas paas paye jate hai.

inke sir par ek yantra laga hota hai jo roz 12 baze bajta hai.

inka mukhya ahar langhar hota hai.

iske sare shareer par baal hote hai.

yeh punjab ke jungalo mein paye jata hai.

isko gurupurab wale din badi matra mein dekha ja sakta hai.

yeh chutkule banane ke kam aate hai.

yeh bada ho kar driver banne ke kam aata hai

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A fishing trip

Santa and Banta decided to go on a fishing trip. They went to a tackle store, bought all of the equipment they needed and then went on to the lake. There they rented a boat for the day.

Once out to a spot they dropped their lines, and through the day had tremendous luck.

Santa said to Banta, "We should mark this spot." So Banta leaned over a put a mark on the side of the boat.

Santa said "You fool that won’t work".

"Why?" said Banta.

Because Santa said "we may not get the same boat tomorrow."

Busy husband one day sneak-in his own house in office hour and got behind to his wife silently and blinds his wife's eye with hands and said romantically with all of his hope ...
Husband: tell me darling who am I ?
Wife : Ummm... watchman ?