BananaSplitzz

TEACHER : Give me three reasons why the world is round.
Pupil : Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so!
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TEACHER : What shape is the world in?
Pupil : Rotten!

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TEACHER : Why does your geography exam have a big zero over it?
Pupil : It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!

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TEACHER : What's you name ?
Pupil : Juan
TEACHER : You should say "Sir"
Pupil : OK, Sir Juan!

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TEACHER : I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.
Pupil : Life imprisonment!

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TEACHER : Name four members of the cat family
Pupil : Daddy cat, mommy cat and two kittens!

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TEACHER : What is further away, Australia or the Moon ?
Pupil : Australia, you can see the Moon at night!

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TEACHER : What kind of birds do you find in captivity?
Pupil : Jailbirds !

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TEACHER : What is the plural of mouse ?
Pupil : Mice
TEACHER : Good, now what's the plural of baby?
Pupil : Twins!

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TEACHER : What's the longest word in the English language ?
Pupil : Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters!

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TEACHER : : I despair, Jose, how do you manage to get so many things wrong in a day?
Pupil : Because I always get here early sir!

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TEACHER : What do we do with crude oil?
Pupil : Teach it some manners!

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TEACHER : Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener?
Pupil : He had a bee in his suit of armour!

Instructions: What you do is find out what each letter of your name means.

Then connect all the meanings and it describes YOU. (It’s TRUE)
If you have double or triple letters, just count the meaning once.

For Example: ROBIN

R = you are a social butterfly.
O = you are very open-minded.
B = You are not judgmental
I = you are always smiling and making others smile.
N = You like to work, but you always want a break.

A = you can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
B = You are always cautious when it comes to meeting newpeople.
C = You definitely have a partier side in you, don't be shy to show it.
D = you have trouble trusting people.
E = you are a very exciting person.
F = everyone loves you.
G = you have excellent ways of viewing people.
H = you are not judgmental.
I = you are always smiling and making others smile.
J = Jealously
K = you like to try new things.
L = Love is something you deeply believe in.
M = Success comes easily to you.
N = You like to work, but you always want a break.
O = you are very open-minded.
P = you are very friendly and understanding.
Q = you are a hypocrite.
R = you are a social butterfly.
S = you are very broad-minded.
T = You have an attitude, a big one.
U = you feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.
V = you have a very good physique and looks.
W = you like your privacy.
X =you never let people tell you what to do.
Y = you cause a lot of trouble.
Z = you’re always fighting with someone.

As Kung Fu magazine puts it: "When a man can tow a truck with his genitals, that’s all anyone ever really remembers about him." Tu Jin-Sheng, a 50-year-old man from Taiwan, is a martial arts grandmaster of Iron Crotch, a branch of Qigong said to have 60,000 followers worldwide. On 2005, he attached his penis to a truck for a demonstration, and pulled it several yards across a car park in Fremont.

Miroslaw Magola: Moves objects with his Mind

"Remember, there is no spoon". Just like that kid from "The Matrix" movie, Miroslaw Magola --The "Magnetic Man"-- defies laws of gravity with an extraordinary ability — applying the power of psycho kinesis he can raise anything from metal pans to marble statues, transport them through the air to affix to his body, then creates a force to keep them there — simply using mind control. An avid enthusiast of the phenomenon of psychic energy, Miroslaw has developed his skill to manipulate lifeless objects in mid-air to obey his will, even forcing them spin around or shake. His mental powers are so keen that he can jump around while an object is stuck to his head without losing his mental grasp of the item. Miroslaw explains how he employs psycho kinetics to perform these uncanny feats, “It works because I load myself with energy (I connect myself to it) and at the same time I wish for the object to raise.”

Miroslaw has undergone numerous tests for his perplexing skill which remains unexplained by conventional science to date. Although Miroslaw Magola is gifted with some of the strangest abilities in the world which are generally regarded as paranormal, his book is filled with protests against exactly this form of categorization. He deals with and discusses things ‘beyond our world,’ yet describes himself as a radical rationalist and insists on his normality.

Manjit Singh: Pulls a Jet with his Ears

57 year-old Manjit Singh, called the "Ironman", holds more than 30 world records including pulling a double decker bus with his hair, lifting 85 kg with his ears, and of course, pulling a Jet also with his ears! On April 2007, Ironman pulled the aircraft -weighting approximately 7.4 tonnes- 12ft along the apron at East Midlands Airport, UK.

Speaking after the record attempt, he said: "I don't feel too bad, I have a little bit of pain around the ears but I'm ok." The attempt raised money for his charity Manjit Fitness, which aims to get children living in his native Mahilpur, India involved in sport.

Ru Anting: Writes with his Tears

56 year-old Ru Anting, Luoyang in China, has a very special talent: he can write calligraphy with water he shoots from his eyes. After sucking up some water with his nose, he then sprays it through his tear ducts, ending up on the paper.

Ru discovered his unusual talent as a child while swimming in the river. "Sometimes I would swallow water while swimming, and once I accidentally discovered the water I swallowed could be shot out through my eyes. My friends were all shocked to see it," he said.

But it wasn't until the 1990s, when Ru lost his job in a local fertilizer factory after more than 20 years, that he began to develop his unusual talent. After three years of intensive training, he found he could shoot water accurately up to 10ft from his eyes at will.

Michel Lotito: Eats Everything

French entertainer Michel Lotito is known as Monsieur Mangetout (Mister Eat-it-all). As a famous consumer of undigestables, Lotito's performances are the consumption of metal, glass, rubber and so on in items such as bicycles, televisions, a Cessna 150, and smaller items which are disassembled, cut-up and swallowed. The aircraft took roughly two years to be 'eaten' from 1978 to 1980. He began eating unusual material while a child and has been performing publicly since 1966.

Lotito does not often suffer from ill-effects due to his diet, even after the consumption of materials usually considered poisonous. When performing he consumes around a kilogram of material daily, preceding it with mineral oil and drinking considerable quantities of water during the 'meal'. He apparently possesses a stomach and intestine with walls of twice the expected thickness, and his digestive acids are, allegedly, unusually powerful, allowing him to digest a certain portion of his metallic meals.

Thai Ngoc: Needs no Sleep

Sixty-four-year-old Thai Ngoc, a vietnamese farmer, is known around the world for a unique talent: he needs no sleep. After getting a fever in 1973, we hasn't been able to sleep and has counted infinite numbers of sheep during more than 11,700 consecutive sleepless nights. "I don't know whether the insomnia has impacted my health or not. But I'm still healthy and can farm normally like others," Ngoc said. Proving his health, the elderly resident of Que Trung commune, Que Son district said he can carry two 50kg bags of fertilizer down 4km of road to return home every day.

Ngoc currently lives on his 5ha farm at the foot of a mountain busy with farming and taking care of pigs and chickens all day. His six children live at their house in Que Trung. Ngoc often does extra farm work or guards his farm at night to prevent theft, saying he used three months of sleepless nights to dig two large ponds to raise fish.

Zhang Quan: Claps as Loud as a Helicopter

70 year-old Zhang Quan is hoping to get into the record books - by clapping his hands. His claps measured 107 decibels, just three decibels lower than whirling helicopter blades. The bad news? local environmental protection officials say Zhang is so loud, he could face arrest for noise pollution if he claps too often.

Wei Mingtang: Blows up Balloons with his Ears

Wei Mingtang, 55, is a factory worker from Guilin city, in Guangxi province, China. About 30 years ago he discovered his ears leaked air, so he came up with the idea of using his ears and a pipe for his -now famous- act: inflate balloons with his ears!

On a recent city Spring Festival Party, Wei also blew out 20 candles in a line within 20 seconds using a hose leading out from his ears.

Claudio Pinto: Pops both of his Eyes

48-year-old brazilian man Claudio Pinto hopes for a place in the record books for an amazing talent: he can pop both eyes 95% out of their sockets. Pinto has undergone various tests and doctors say they have never seen or heard of a person who can pop the eyes as much as him.

The man from Belo Horizonte, said: "It is a pretty easy way to make money. I can pop my eyes out four centimetres each, it is a gift from God, I feel blessed."

Paul Oldfield: World's Only Flatulist

Mr Methane, alias former train driver Paul Oldfield, claims to be the only performing professional flatulist in the world, or more precisely, a "professional farter". His 'talent' came to light when he accompanied his sister in yoga practice. There, he discovered - to his surprise and delight - that he was able to take in air through the rear, retain it, and then expel it as and when he chose. At first, it was nothing more than a party trick to entertain fellow railwaymen, but eventually Mr Methane found that by careful control, he could pick out a simple tune.

A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for.
"Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box".
Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?"
"Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them.

Subject: request a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.

2. I work at great depths.

3. I plunge head first into everything I do.

4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

5. I work in a damp environment.

6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.

7. I work in high temperatures.

8. My work exposes me to diseases.

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Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following
reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.


2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after
EACH brief work period.

3. You do not always follow the orders of the management
team.

4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often
seen visiting other locations.

5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.

6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end
of your shift.

7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,
such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.


9. You are unable to work double shifts.


10. You sometimes leave your designated area before
you have completed the assigned task

11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-
looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

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5 reasons not to be a penis...

1. You're bald your whole life.

2. You have a hole in your head.

3. Your neighbors are nuts

4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and..

5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

Son to sardar : abba, 5+5 Kitna hota hai?

Sardar : Ullu, gadhe, idiot, nalayak, besharam, haram khor, tujhe kuch nahi aata.

Jaa andar se calculator lekar aa.!!!!!

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it Tim?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, "That's because he's still inside your stupid cat."

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted,"Order! Order!"
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."

This sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat.

His friend asks him "kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai" (What Sardarji? Why are you afraid, its only a cinema?!!).

Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata "( I am an intelligent man, I know it is a movie, but does that animal know?)

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

It might be a bit long. But its worth reading. (Requirements: Good Command over Hindi Language.)

Since Amitabh Bachchan's contract for Kaun Banega Crorepati is going to expire soon, here are a few persons who could audition for the show.

Nana Patekar: Jaldi se jawab bol. Sahi jawab tere ko lakhpati bana dalega.Galat jawab tere ko hijda bana dega.

Shatrughan Sinha: Khamosh! Bihari babu ke saamne zaban chalata hai. Tera cheque phaad ke phek doonga.

Dharmendra: Galat jawab ! Kutte Kameene, main tera khoon pee jaoonga.

Amrish Puri: Sahi jawab ! Mogambo khush hua !

Amjad Khan: Kitne options the? Chaar ! Soover ke bachchon ! Chaar chaar options ! Bahut nainsaafi hai ! Dhish-keoin Dhish-keoin ! 50-50 kar ke do galat jawab main uda diye. Ab bol, tera kya hoga kaaliya?

Sanjay Dutt: Aye item log, kaye ko udhar khada hai? Idhar aake mere pass baith jaa. Kya be chikne - tere ko aata hai to bol dal varna main tere ko idhar-eech phod dalega.

Raj Kumar: Jaani, huuum, hhhuuuum hote to apne dost ko phone kar ke sawaal pooch lete.

Jagdeep: Bole to Soorma Bhopali - meri jeb ho gayi khaali. Mere pass to koi cheque nahin hain. Arre mujhko jaane do.

Mithun Chakraborty: Eeyaeech ! Tu audience poll karega ? Aye, yahan ke public ke paas time nahin hai. Kya nahin hai? Time nahin hai.

Kesto Mukherji: Hee-heek. Hee-yaik. Apne ko sab kuch do-do dikh rahela hai.Hee-heek. Yeh aath options kidhar se aa gaye? Hee-yok. Apne ko bahut chad gayeli hai.

Ashok Kumar: To abhi aapne yeh dekha ( wheeze ), ki yahan se Delhi ke Ramesh Kumar ( gasp), yahan se Rs 20,000 leke chale gaye. ( groan ). Kal aur dus logon ko leke phir milenge Hum Log (croak ).

A white guy, a Chinese guy, and a Hispanic guy are breaking out of jail. They get all the way to the top of a hill, and at the bottom there is a barbed wired fence. The white guy says, 'O.k. whatever happens when you hit the ground DON'T SCREAM!'

The white guy goes first, he breaks a leg, doesn't scream.

The Chinese guy goes he breaks a arm, doesn't scream.

Then the Hispanic guy goes, and screams his head off! The other two ask him why he screamed so he points at the fence and says, 'Looky, looky, balls on hooky.'

Structure: female_professionals
{double styles;
Short skirts;
Long time_to_understand_ problems;float mind;
Void knowledge;
Char non_co-operative; }


Structure: married_females
{double weight;
Short tempered;
Long gossip;
Float hopes;
Void word;
Char unstable;}




Structure: engaged_females
{double time_on_phone;
Short attention_on_ work;
Long boast;
Float on_cloud_nine;
Void understanding;
Char edgy;}


Structure: newly_married_ females
{double dinner_invitation;
Short time_at_work;
Long lunch_break;
Void bank_balance;
Char hen_pecked;}


Structure: husband_wife_ professionals
{double income;
Short tempered;
Long time_no_see_ each_other;
Void love_life;
Char money_making; }


Structure: beautiful_city_ girl
{double boyfriends;
Short affairs;
Long stories;
Void greymatter;
Char flirt;}


Struct: old_lady
{double chin;
Short memory;
Long sighs ;
Void attention_from_ men;
Char chatterbox;}